


Permanent Grounds

by justanothernobody



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Image, Codependency, Crying, Cutting, Homin - Freeform, How Do I Tag, M/M, My First Smut, Porn with Feelings, Self-Harm, Smut, is it really tho?, minho - Freeform, so sorry if it's crappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 03:36:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14323713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/pseuds/justanothernobody
Summary: Yunho has irrational standards towards himself, and Changmin suffers to maintain his and Yunho's well-being.





	Permanent Grounds

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm back with another oneshot here and this time I'm presenting you with *drumroll* homin just because I'm trash for TVXQ as well. I'm open to constructive criticism so feel free to do so. Enjoy!

 

Changmin looked down to the shower floor. It was covered in red and slowly fading as it went down the drain. The fading colour currently matched his bloodshot eyes and his pale thighs that are left with fresh wounds. He raked his fingers through his wet hair and sighed. His mind was on overdrive with many dangerous thoughts. _Why is it so difficult?_ He felt his eyes water once more and sighed again. He rinsed his newly-made cuts whilst ignoring (or enjoying?) the stings of pain and hopped out of the shower, grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist.

He stood in front of the sink whilst staring at himself in the mirror. He observes himself – his body is littered with and abundance of healed and fresh scars all along his inner thighs and on the sides of his hips. His face paler than usual and his bright eyes dull. His mind asks the same question - where was the boy with a gleaming look when he first entered the industry? _Gone._ _Now he’s pathetic, worthless, and of no use_. He put his head in his hands and let the tears roll down his cheeks and drop into the sink. _You can’t even get a grip on yourself._ He couldn't sob anymore — his throat parched from screaming yesterday and wailing just moments ago — and could only cry silently.

He splashes his face with cold water to get rid of his puffy eyes. Afterwards he exits the bathroom to find some clothes to wear when he gets a text from his manager, reminding him to be ready for the variety shoot in 2 hours. He gets dressed and spends the next hour mindlessly playing with his phone and by the time the next hour comes he is already in the car with his manager. When he arrives on set he greets the MCs and puts on the smile he always wears. He successfully hides the fact that at the very moment he feels like breaking down and running away from life. He laughs at the humourless jokes that are thrown on shoot and makes some of his own to fill in the blank spaces. He cheerfully responds to what is happening whenever he feels it necessary. And he triumphantly acts the part he is always meant to play – the introverted yet witty Max Changmin that he always showcases for the world to see.

But Changmin is just human too. His façade seems okay until you choose to look at what's hidden beneath the cracks. Behind his clothes lay marks of what used to be freshly-made razor cuts. It stays on his skin like a tattoo and on some days Changmin desires them to bleed again. A many few times Yunho catches Changmin scratching his wrists with his blunt nails or pull harshly around his inner thighs with his head facing down in poor attempt to calm his nerves. Whenever the elder catches him in the act he doesn’t call him out on it – he might not understand why but he understands how he should react. He simply walks over to his side, looks at Changmin and brings his fingers to his chin to tilt his head up softly so he can look clearly at him. His eyes are glossy with tears he held back and his lower lip is red and slightly marred with teeth marks. He stares back at Changmin with hope and sincerity and _more_ and he clutches the younger man as he falls into his embrace.

At this point Changmin is only wrapping his arms around his lower abdomen and the position is awkward, but it all doesn’t matter when Yunho has his hand rubbing soothingly on the younger’s back and only pushes him off gently by the shoulders after he knows he feels slightly less worse as opposed to how he felt moments ago. He’d smile at Changmin before the other smiles back a crooked one. In reality, that crooked smile looks insincere – when paired with tear-stained cheeks and puffed eyes it has a way of looking creepy even. But Yunho has learnt that it’s just a way for Changmin to try to indirectly thank him and show that he feels a bit more okay.

Changmin says this as if Yunho’s any better off than him. Yunho, the strong hyung and leader of TVXQ, the one idol groups (and even Changmin himself) look up to in the industry, also has flaws. And he discovers about this years after their trainee days have ended and they’ve shot to fame. He observes Yunho for the past few weeks and notes that he has been coming home later than usual and seems to forget his meals more often. It comes to a point where Changmin becomes concerned as he sees the loss of weight Yunho experiences show through on his face that has morphed into the popular V-shape. He reminds himself to give Yunho more food during their meals. He feels glad for a short while seeing that Yunho ate more just by Changmin sliding more onto his plate. But it all ended weeks later when he catches Yunho disappearing after lunch and Changmin follows him and hears his hyung retch what had once been his lunch down the toilet. He exits the bathroom just before he hears the sound of flushing and goes to back to the room to sit himself down whilst trying to convince himself that Yunho’s well and he didn’t just hear him push out all the contents of his stomach just minutes ago.

He decides to corner the leader one day after an exhausting dance practice just before the other can make up some reason to skip a meal again. His method of doing so may be considered unusual, but it was most foolproof for the purpose. They both stepped out of the van they used to get to Yunho’s apartment (since it was much closer) and right after he shoved the key into the keyhole to open the door and closed it again Changmin quickly pushed the elder man against the door. He lets out a sound of surprise that ends up muffled between his and Changmin’s lips.

He counts the seconds it takes for his hyung to respond - 1, he voices out his shock. 2, he stays frozen with his back against the door and his chest against his own as Changmin tilts his head slightly. 3, he feels Yunho slowly kiss back and he smiles against the elder’s lips and they both part open their lips. 4, Changmin brings his hands to Yunho’s face to gently run the pads of his thumbs against his cheek the he deems _too bony_ as he feels the other gently bite on his lower lip and he lets out a soft gasp. 4.5, he then drags his hand down his shoulders and brushes his fingers on his neck and collarbone. 5, he brings his hands back to his face and in turn Yunho brings both his hands to cover against his. 6, they both part and take in the air their lungs lack during the time. The two stay silent for a while before Yunho tells him that _he must have something in mind_ because _no one just kisses others for nothing in particular_. He quietly, gently, strokes his cheekbones with a sorrow-filled look on his face. Yunho smiles, a melancholic one, at him.

“Stop it, it’s unhealthy you know,” Changmin says

“I know, but it’s always easier said than done,” replied him.

And Changmin has a good understanding of how Yunho feels. He feels like those days when the weight atop his shoulders burdens him too much to the extent that he drops it all to mark himself using wounds in easily-hidden spaces. It’s that rush of control and relief that overcomes his senses and convinces his brain that everything’s okay. It’s that brief surge of energy that he feels when he finishes and he feels alright. And it’s that feeling of _something_ that keeps his desire to harm his already imperfect skin even further. He compares how he feels to Yunho’s situation as of the moment. It might seem a bit off, but he can clearly point out some of the similarities. Yunho feels the dismay whenever he sees the physique he has on the mirror proven to be true when he steps on the scale. He feels the pain when he compares his abilities to others wash over him like the plague. He experiences relief when he is able to skip more meals that day or dance harder that week. The disappointment comes back when he gets forced to swallow down a full meal that day and he promises himself to fast the day after.

He can finally put a word of what they mean. They’re pillars to each other. A sort of constant that stays upright even when the Earth’s plates shift. A support to the floors above it to make sure they stay intact and don’t come crashing down. They’re an unmoving grip that binds the concrete of the foundation to the levels above it. But without the other Changmin is just the foundation of the building that can still shift easily when the ground underneath them quakes in means of ruin. Yunho’s just that second floor that is lightly supported by long and thin pieces of wood that were never meant to be used permanently. Changmin without Yunho and vice versa are just parts of incomplete buildings – as grand as it could have been.

Some nights when the tension from work and exhaustion breaks down their walls and hit them hard, they come to each other like magnets. They both hold onto each other as if their lives are on the line if they let go and Changmin crashes their lips together. His muffled moans don’t go unheard of and he brings his hands to rake through the elder’s black hair. The younger soon gets pinned by strong arms and he leans on the wall as Yunho gently bites his lip. They don’t ever detach themselves off of each other even when they stumble through the hallway towards his bedroom. They walk blindly to cross the short distance between the door and his bed and Changmin pushes the elder down onto his unmade bed. Their lips rejoin and they both part for a moment to breathe, Changmin doesn’t though – he moves to trail kisses down his jawline and his neck towards his collarbone.

Changmin parts to move up and go back to kissing his lips as they did before. Unlike previously when their kiss was fueled with too much lust and desperation, this time they went a bit slower. He tastes like the remnants of the wine they drank during dinner combined with a taste that practically screams _Jung Yunho_ that he can’t describe with just words (as cliché as it might sound). He gets so entranced within the moment that he didn’t realise when Yunho has flipped them over and by the time he does realise it the black-haired male was already hovering above him and still sensually kissing him. They go quietly, the need for words unnecessary as they both understand each other so perfectly in a way that seem impossibly perfect.

It’s in moments like this, when Yunho has him pinned under him while they’re both in a liplock, when Changmin goes to pry Yunho’s shirt off, when Changmin successfully does so and he feels Yunho’s ribs too prominently against his hands. He’s also sure Yunho does a similar thing to him. When their passion increases and he’s unbuckling Changmin’s belt and pulling off his pants and boxers in one go, he feels Yunho softly touch his thighs in somewhat circular motions to feel the marks left by self-inflicted cuts.

Sometime after Yunho was able to get rid of his undergarments he finds the strength to flip the elder down onto the bed. He palms Yunho’s manhood through his pants and makes quick work of removing it off of his body. He goes lower to wrap his hands around it followed by moving it in quick strokes and hears Yunho’s choked moan. He brings his mouth to lick the shaft from the base and once he gets to the crown he wraps his lips flush around it and the elder grunts. He licks along the underside of his manhood on the vein, scrapes a bit using his teeth, licks along the slit to get the salty taste of precome on his lips – just the way he knows Yunho like it. He sees the other grab the lube located in one of the drawers of his bedside table and he removes his mouth to let Yunho reposition Changmin onto the bed. They share an open-mouthed kiss and their tongues tangle with each other. He feels a warm palm and cool fingers near his entrance as well as the other’s hand on his manhood thumbing the slit.

It’s when Yunho has a slicked finger or two inside him that Changmin hooks his arms under Yunho’s in a way that puts his hand on his back and brings his legs to hook around his waist. The position forces both parties to see and feel their weaknesses, Yunho can see his scars clearly - the old and the new ones - and Changmin can easily feel Yunho’s hips jut out more this way. He uses the legs he wrapped around Yunho to bring them closer, and to tell him that he should continue.

He pulls his fingers out and Changmin shudders from the loss of contact for a brief moment before he feels the crown of his cock pressing against his entrance before pushing in with one swift motion. He rolls his hip after he has adjusted for a bit then Yunho is pulling out before pushing in repeatedly. His thrusts are slow and deep as they make him moan out in ecstasy. Yunho laces their fingers together during the peak of pain morphing into pleasure. He brushes over _that_ spot that gradually makes him forget about everything else and instead focuses on the two of them only and as he feels the familiar heat pooling down. Their pace quickens and soon Yunho shooting ropes of warm come inside of him as Changmin comes all over their stomachs. He hears him take deep gulps of air before pulling out and getting a few tissues to clean up the mess they’ve made (excluding the one made on the sheets, he doesn’t want to think about that).

After he finishes the task he goes back to lie on the bed facing Changmin and he flashes him a warm smile, he smiles back too. The elder wraps his arms around Changmin and intertwines their legs. They fall into slumber all tangled up in each other. The morning after that night Changmin wakes up before Yunho does and he gets the privilege of seeing Yunho from up close. The way his mouth is opened ever so slightly and the way the light shines on his features and across the sliver of skin that peeks out from under the covers. His dark circles still stay visible, and Changmin thinks it only heightens the beauty that is Jung Yunho. He finds a comfortable position and closes his eyes again with a small smile before sleeping in. _For a short while, maybe they can be alright_ , he thinks

‒‒‒

Every morning when they wake up they're always who they started off with. 

Jung Yunho, a perfectionist, who has crossed the lines of what is deemed as healthy according to society. 

Shim Changmin, with his bright smile plastered on to hide the fact that he's suffering — and has been for a while now — just to make sure one of them is closer to sanity.

And during the day they've transformed to TVXQ's U-Know Yunho and Max Changmin, two normal people from the many human beings that inhabit Earth who just so happens to be internationally recognised. 

But at the end of the day, after all the makeup has been wiped off and they're sat next to each other barefaced, they're two messed up individuals who have joined together to create one messed up persona. They're two bad inputs to create an even worse output, yet Changmin thinks this is what they're meant to do —  _to grab onto each other in order to stay afloat the sea of sorrow rather than drown in it_. As Yunho pulls Changmin close to him by the waist to bring them closer in a gentle kiss, Changmin pulls on the front Yunho's shirt to make them impossibly close, it's when he knows that  _they might not be perfect_  and  _they don't make things better by being_ _together._  But, Changmin thinks,  _he wouldn't have it any other way_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted on AFF under the account @mp_2506
> 
> (edited as of 30/11/2018)


End file.
